I love listening to the calming waves crashing on the cliffs below…oh wait, that was last week. I was just thinking of a peaceful scene as I try to relax, while this very nice woman sticks a plastic tube up my ass.
Week two of my 50 weeks journey brings me to Cove Wellness in La Jolla. Although La Jolla is scenic and there are waves and cliffs and all that, I’m here for something else — a colonic. My first week I tried to cleanse my mind and soul at the Self-Realization Fellowship Retreat in Encinitas, so isn’t cleansing my body the next logical step?
I know people who swear by the procedure, which is basically a cleaning out of the toxins which have been accumulating in your colon. Besides being good for your health, you’re supposed to get energetic, plus some say it helps you lose weight. Well, I’m in… because I can’t blame my extra pounds on my pregnancy weight gain forever, especially since both of my sons are now in high school.
I did try to prep my body by “trying” to eat vegetarian all week. After all the yummy vegetarian meals at the SRF Retreat, I thought what the heck, why not continue all week, it would be a piece of cake. Well, I really did eat a lot of cake. It’s quite different when someone else is cooking the meals for you and has used a number of recipes. My collection of vegetarian recipes was non-existent. And I really didn’t eat many vegetables. I did have a salad one day! But my diet for the week consisted mostly of eggs, fruits, breads, peanut butter sandwiches, and lots of sweets. Okay, I “accidentally” ate some bacon, but come on, how do you give up bacon?
So, I thought I was good to go. But that morning I did start to feel a little uneasy, because I had no idea what was really going to happen. My sister’s advice was to “relax.” But I was worried about what actually happens down there. I made sure to wear old cotton panties and loose clothing.
Well, Monica, the technician (not sure what they are called), was very comforting and soothing, talking me through every step. Telling me everything I was feeling was normal. It wasn’t so bad, I didn’t even really notice this tube was sticking in and out of me. Because when you think about it, every girl feels that having a hard stick up their behind is so pleasurable (being sarcastic here). Eventually you do feel cramps and a loss of control, which should be a good thing. I hate losing control. And I was a tight ass. It took a while for me give up my toxins, I guess my body was starting a collection and didn’t want to give it all up. I had to proceed to use the diluted coffee bag, which is better for the colonic virgin that I was.
I chanted to myself “toxins come out, toxins come out” and finally they did. All you need to know, is that it was not a pretty site. I could go into detail about color and consistency, but that really is too much information don’t you think? And advice to all, you really do need to drink plenty of water each day.
Monica reiterated the importance of water drinking, and informed me that some of my favorite foods, like shrimp and lobster are very hard on the digestive system taking about two days to digest. Same reason why gluten is intolerable for many people. Supposedly, vegetarians endure colonic procedures quite easily.
When you’re done with the procedure, you are told to sit on the toilet for at least five minutes. Now unlike some of you men, I’m not one to bring reading material into the bathroom and sit and read novels. I am the sit and go type. More important things to do. So here I am sitting on the toilet counting to five minutes…one, two, three…sixty…wait was that four times I counted to 60 or five? So I was probably sitting there for a good six minutes.
Well, I should of stayed longer, because on the way home I really had to go again…and why does everyone drive slow when I’m in a rush to go home!
Once home, I felt I needed to shower and cleanse myself a little more. Although I was assured that I would be safe from any accidents, my twisted mind thought I knew I would have one in public. I guess I should keep adult diapers around…am I really at that age? Since I didn’t have any diapers around, a maxi sanitary pad would have to do, just in case. I had plans to meet a friend to go visit the new Headquarters by Seaport Village, and I didn’t want to dirty up her car either. (Why do we freak ourselves out about these things?)
How does it feel after a couple days? Well, I do feel lighter, not so gassy. And I did feel energetic. I went for walks, re-covered some dining room chairs, went to kids baseball games, cleaned out my bedroom, went to the gym, put together some IKEA shelves, prepped for a garage sale, planned for Thanksgiving…so it did pep me up some.
The Cove Wellness website says: “Spa therapy can often be the catalyst for clarity and inspiration, balance and a healthy lifestyle.” Colonics for week two was a good choice. Maybe this will be the inspiration I need to jump start a healthier lifestyle. Not that I have a horrible diet, I did learn some things from a bout of diverticulitis in my early 20s. But, I don’t think I can entirely give up bacon…and don’t even bring up SPAM!
What are your secrets to a healthy lifestyle, especially those of you over the golden age of 50? Share your secrets, and any recipes too, in the comments section. And sorry, no pictures to post — visuals aren’t really necessary, don’t you agree?
Cove Wellness Detox Spa of La Jolla, 7946 Ivanhoe Ave., Suite 202, La Jolla, CA 92037, 858.551.9228, www.detoxspaoflajolla.com
Colon Hydrotherapy: Organic Coffee Colonic $100
Other services: Lymphatic Therapy, Liver and Gallbladder Detox, Reflexology, Cellulite Reduction Therapy, Facials, Massages, Infrared Jade Sauna, Prostate Care