Week 30: Wax On, Wax Off…Ouch!

Before we go on, there are some subjects that can be considered TMI (too much information) for some of you folks, especially to my male readers — all one of you. You know who you are, so thank you for your loyal support, but you can stop reading now if you’d like. Otherwise, remember I warned you.

 

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Okay, it’s bikini season (a one-piece for me)…therefore, yes I got a Bikini Wax. Not a big deal, but again, it was something I had never done and which was on my 50 Weeks to 50 list. I had been thinking about doing this for months, years really, and every time I would think about it I would laugh. Because it seems so silly. Why should I bother, who’s going to see? Don’t answer that. Plus I wanted to spend more time at the beach this summer, and I didn’t want to be constantly looking at my pelvic area to make sure no stray hairs were sticking out. Am I the only one that does that?

 

But again, this year long journey of mine is about trying new things, and waxing my lower regions would be a new experience for me. Occasionally, I do get my eyebrows waxed and I started only after getting my eyebrow virginity broken by the best — Anastasia from Beverly Hills (yes, I am name dropping), who has worked on many celebs — courtesy of my sister’s connections at Orange Coast Magazine (thanks Linda Goldstein). Now I get mine done through Anastasia’s locally trained affiliates in La Jolla at the Brow Lounge (I go to Annie), a short walk away from my office. I remember that getting my eyebrows waxed made such a difference in how I looked, that I wondered would that make my genitalia pretty too.

bikini 

By now, you all know how much I love my Groupon and Living Social deals. Well, there was a Groupon available to get a Bikini Wax done at Our Little Secret Salon & Beauty Bar, also in La Jolla. After thinking about it and laughing to myself while picturing in my mind what they are going to do to my very private parts, I figured what the heck, it’s just a Bikini Wax, not a full Brazilian where everything is waxed off.

 

I buy the Groupon (only $17) and I log onto their website and make an appointment for the next day. Boy that was easy; now I can’t chicken out, I’ve paid the money. And I was so busy at the office the next day, I had no time to think about it. I had to hurry up after work and get to the hidden salon.

OLS

When they named it Our Little Secret, they meant it. The salon is tucked away in a very nondescript shopping center off Mt. Soledad Road that blends in so nicely with the surrounding community, you would have thought it some homes. I’ve driven by there many times in the past and never noticed it. My appointment was with esthetician Kelly, who was waiting for me and ready to go. I let her know this was my very first time getting a Bikini wax ever — I was a virgin.

 

Kelly was very nice, explained that I need to take off only my pants, place the towel over me, and I could keep my panties on for a Bikini wax. Really, because I was ready to take them off. When you’ve given birth with doctors and nurses coming in and out of your room looking at the lower regions, showing those parts to strangers doesn’t seem like a big deal…well for medical type reasons…I mean, I wouldn’t show them to some random stranger…what do you think of me…don’t answer that.

 

Anyhoo, Kelly and I were discussing the procedure and she mentioned I didn’t look that bad. Why thank you Kelly. Embarrassingly I explained that I had attempted to pluck my own hairs, but it was taking forever. Plus, I was always worried that one of my sons would walk in on me (because they haven’t learned the knocking thing yet), and what kind of explanation would I give them.

 

Before you know it, Kelly was applying wax along the sides of my mound, and whoosh, pulled off the strips. I had a delayed reaction because we were chatting away, then it hit me. Okay, ouch, stings a little, but not too much. For some reason I thought it would be worse than childbirth. But, no it was fine, yes Kelly go on and wax away my pubes. And before you know it, my Bikini wax experience was over. It took less than 15 minutes.

OLS Kelly 

Not so bad. I may have to try the full Brazilian next time. If I do, I’ll be sure not to let you know. But apparently Kelly says more women come in getting a Brazilian than the Bikini. Or I could meet in the middle and get a landing strip wax – a landing strip for who? The after effects of my first waxing experience was minimal, just some redness which oils and lotions helped relieve. The pain was hardly worth all the time I spent getting worried about it. Soon afterwards, I was off shopping.

 

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After all that, no big deal. So ladies, if you’ve thought about waxing down there and was worried about the pain, just do it. OLS can even host parties, shall we have a waxing party? But the things we do for so-called “beauty.” Who ever thought of waxing off our pubic hairs in the first place? Probably some man. And the Brazilian, did some Brazilian man think of that? Did they think of Brazilian Blow Outs too? Who gets that job?

 

Now I get the “I don’t want hair in my mouth” thing, but then male partners should reciprocate don’t you think? Guys can get some manscaping done, and get a wax around their private parts. Let’s see who’s crying in pain. And think about it, that if your partner wants you all bare down there, isn’t that a little creepy. I mean, then he prefers a pubescent look. What, does he have child molester tendencies? Or trying to live out virgin type fantasies? Weirdo.

 

Again, it’s the ongoing debate over what is considered beautiful. All vaginas are beautiful, hair or no hair. Ladies, you are all beautiful, inside and out…including your lower regions. Who gets to decide what is beautiful — each of you, for yourself? Celebrate the beauty of your vagina (and control of it too). Do I need to start a Jemma’s Beauty blog, and tell it how it is? The beauty brands wouldn’t like me very much then, because I would probably say why spend your money on such things, go spend it on feeding starving children. But again, here I am getting sucked in by my own curiosity and spending money on such things. I do have a nicely trimmed triangle now, want to see…no, not you! Wait, what’s that…is that a gray…okay, Brazilian next time.

 

When you think about it, if doing such beauty treatments makes you feel more beautiful on the outside, then your increased self-esteem makes you feel better on the inside. Right after my wax, a friend saw me driving down the street and texted me that I looked real happy. I texted back (not while driving) that “I just got a bikini wax!” Ahh, the little things that make us happy.

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The Brow Lounge, 933 Silverado Street, La Jolla, CA 92037, 858.459.9800, http://www.browlounge.net. They are known for their brow shaping. Other services are waxing, skin treatments, make-up, and spray tans.

Our Little Secret Salon & Beauty Bar (OLS), 6437 Caminito Blythefield, Suite A, La Jolla, CA 92037, 858.454.7444, www.ourlittlesecretsd.com

Bikini Wax regularly priced at $35, Landing Strip $45, and Brazilian $50. Besides all types of waxing, OLS is a full service salon (for men and women) and offers make-up application, eyelash extensions, facials, spray tanning, and hair services – cuts, styles, coloring, updo, and blow outs. Membership packages available. OLS Happy Hour specials each day – check website for info.

OLS can also add a Vajazzle or body art if you get a Brazilian – that is a design element down there. OLS Vajazzle designs use Swarovski crystals, and high quality glitter for the body art. Perfect for that special private occasion, or Friday nights.

If any men are still reading this, wasn’t this very informative? I try to provide a pubic service.

 

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Week 2: Cleansing the Body

I love listening to the calming waves crashing on the cliffs below…oh wait, that was last week. I was just thinking of a peaceful scene as I try to relax, while this very nice woman sticks a plastic tube up my ass.

 

Week two of my 50 weeks journey brings me to Cove Wellness in La Jolla. Although La Jolla is scenic and there are waves and cliffs and all that, I’m here for something else — a colonic. My first week I tried to cleanse my mind and soul at the Self-Realization Fellowship Retreat in Encinitas, so isn’t cleansing my body the next logical step?

 

I know people who swear by the procedure, which is basically a cleaning out of the toxins which have been accumulating in your colon. Besides being good for your health, you’re supposed to get energetic, plus some say it helps you lose weight. Well, I’m in… because I can’t blame my extra pounds on my pregnancy weight gain forever, especially since both of my sons are now in high school.

 

I did try to prep my body by “trying” to eat vegetarian all week. After all the yummy vegetarian meals at the SRF Retreat, I thought what the heck, why not continue all week, it would be a piece of cake. Well, I really did eat a lot of cake. It’s quite different when someone else is cooking the meals for you and has used a number of recipes. My collection of vegetarian recipes was non-existent. And I really didn’t eat many vegetables. I did have a salad one day! But my diet for the week consisted mostly of eggs, fruits, breads, peanut butter sandwiches, and lots of sweets. Okay, I “accidentally” ate some bacon, but come on, how do you give up bacon?

 

So, I thought I was good to go. But that morning I did start to feel a little uneasy, because I had no idea what was really going to happen. My sister’s advice was to “relax.” But I was worried about what actually happens down there. I made sure to wear old cotton panties and loose clothing.

 

Well, Monica, the technician (not sure what they are called), was very comforting and soothing, talking me through every step. Telling me everything I was feeling was normal. It wasn’t so bad, I didn’t even really notice this tube was sticking in and out of me. Because when you think about it, every girl feels that having a hard stick up their behind is so pleasurable (being sarcastic here). Eventually you do feel cramps and a loss of control, which should be a good thing. I hate losing control. And I was a tight ass. It took a while for me give up my toxins, I guess my body was starting a collection and didn’t want to give it all up. I had to proceed to use the diluted coffee bag, which is better for the colonic virgin that I was.

 

I chanted to myself “toxins come out, toxins come out” and finally they did. All you need to know, is that it was not a pretty site. I could go into detail about color and consistency, but that really is too much information don’t you think? And advice to all, you really do need to drink plenty of water each day.

 

Monica reiterated the importance of water drinking, and informed me that some of my favorite foods, like shrimp and lobster are very hard on the digestive system taking about two days to digest. Same reason why gluten is intolerable for many people. Supposedly, vegetarians endure colonic procedures quite easily.

 

When you’re done with the procedure, you are told to sit on the toilet for at least five minutes. Now unlike some of you men, I’m not one to bring reading material into the bathroom and sit and read novels. I am the sit and go type. More important things to do. So here I am sitting on the toilet counting to five minutes…one, two, three…sixty…wait was that four times I counted to 60 or five? So I was probably sitting there for a good six minutes.

 

Well, I should of stayed longer, because on the way home I really had to go again…and why does everyone drive slow when I’m in a rush to go home!

 

Once home, I felt I needed to shower and cleanse myself a little more. Although I was assured that I would be safe from any accidents, my twisted mind thought I knew I would have one in public. I guess I should keep adult diapers around…am I really at that age? Since I didn’t have any diapers around, a maxi sanitary pad would have to do, just in case. I had plans to meet a friend to go visit the new Headquarters by Seaport Village, and I didn’t want to dirty up her car either. (Why do we freak ourselves out about these things?)

 

How does it feel after a couple days? Well, I do feel lighter, not so gassy. And I did feel energetic. I went for walks, re-covered some dining room chairs, went to kids baseball games, cleaned out my bedroom, went to the gym, put together some IKEA shelves, prepped for a garage sale, planned for Thanksgiving…so it did pep me up some.

 

The Cove Wellness website says: “Spa therapy can often be the catalyst for clarity and inspiration, balance and a healthy lifestyle.” Colonics for week two was a good choice. Maybe this will be the inspiration I need to jump start a healthier lifestyle. Not that I have a horrible diet, I did learn some things from a bout of diverticulitis in my early 20s. But, I don’t think I can entirely give up bacon…and don’t even bring up SPAM!

 

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What are your secrets to a healthy lifestyle, especially those of you over the golden age of 50? Share your secrets, and any recipes too, in the comments section. And sorry, no pictures to post — visuals aren’t really necessary, don’t you agree?

 

Notebook:

Cove Wellness Detox Spa of La Jolla, 7946 Ivanhoe Ave., Suite 202, La Jolla, CA 92037, 858.551.9228, www.detoxspaoflajolla.com

Colon Hydrotherapy: Organic Coffee Colonic $100

Other services: Lymphatic Therapy, Liver and Gallbladder Detox, Reflexology, Cellulite Reduction Therapy, Facials, Massages, Infrared Jade Sauna, Prostate Care